The new Big Sky Community Commons opened Tuesday with a ribbon cutting attended by both populations, though they used different doors and stood on opposite sides of the lobby.

The $14 million facility includes a climbing wall, coworking spaces, a teaching kitchen, and a fireplace lounge with views of Lone Peak. Architectural renderings showed the two groups mingling naturally. The floor plan suggests otherwise.

“We designed distinct zones for distinct rhythms,” said project lead Meredith Vance of Vance & Associates, Bozeman. “The morning pickleball cohort and the afternoon espresso cohort operate on different circadian schedules.”

Longtime resident Dale Harkin, 68, watched the ceremony from the west entrance near the climbing wall. He bought his condo in 1994 for $185,000. “Used to be the post office was the community center,” Harkin said. “You’d see everybody there. The plumber, the lift mechanic, the guy who owns the Yellowstone Club. Well, not him. But his plumber.”

At the east entrance, a group of recent arrivals toured the coworking pods. Each pod includes a Herman Miller chair, dual monitors, and soundproofing rated for “confidential capital allocation calls.” The monthly membership equals Harkin’s first mortgage payment.

The teaching kitchen will offer “Alpine Fermentation” workshops on Tuesdays and “Batch Cooking for Shift Workers” on Thursdays. The schedules do not overlap. The fireplace lounge has two coffee stations: one serves drip from a local roaster, the other pulls shots from a machine that requires a barcode scan.

Town manager Ellen Crowe called the center “a physical manifestation of our shared values.” She did not specify which values. The barn cat Quorum slept through the entire ceremony atop the building plans.

Harkin left before the catered lunch. He said he had to meet a friend at the post office. It is still there. Still the only place both populations go.

This article is satire. The Bozeman Daily Bee is a satirical publication. None of this is real.