A new artisan bakery opened last week in the Meadow Village center. Crumb & Crown offers sourdough loaves at twelve dollars and croissants that require a membership to pre-order. The owner, a former tech executive from Austin, said she wanted to create a community gathering place.

The space is beautiful. Reclaimed barn wood from a ranch near Livingston. A La Marzocco espresso machine that cost more than a used Subaru. Morning light hits the quartz countertops just right for photos.

By 7:30 a.m. Tuesday, every table was occupied. Three couples from the Yellowstone Club discussed helicopter skiing in Iceland. Two families from Dallas compared private chef arrangements. A real estate agent from Mountain Village closed a cash deal over almond croissants.

“I come here for the six-dollar drip coffee,” said Dale Hargrove, 67, who has plowed Meadow Village roads since 1998. “But I eat my breakfast burrito in the truck. The picnic table out back has better Wi-Fi anyway.”

The bakery’s “locals’ hour” from 6 to 7 a.m. sees about four regulars. Mostly Mountain Village property managers grabbing pastries for second-home owners arriving Saturday. The Meadow Village post office next door sees more locals in ten minutes than Crumb & Crown sees all morning.

A chalkboard sign advertises a “community sourdough workshop” this Saturday. Two hundred dollars. Includes a starter jar and a tote bag. The class filled in four hours. The waitlist has eighteen names. None are from the 59716 zip code.

Hargrove waved from his plow truck as he passed the patio. The croissants did look flaky.

This article is satire. The Bozeman Daily Bee is a satirical publication. None of this is real.