The University of Montana announced this week it will eliminate its master’s programs in both literature and economics, ensuring that future graduates will understand neither the human condition nor the financial system that governs it.

“We had to make some tough choices,” said Provost Margaret Sunderland. “And we decided the toughest choice was to produce graduates who can’t analyze a novel or a balance sheet.”

The decision came after a comprehensive review determined that students who understand complex texts and economic theory are “difficult to manage” and “ask too many questions during orientation.”

Current literature student Emily Westbrook expressed dismay. “I was halfway through my thesis on the economic symbolism in Steinbeck,” she said. “Now I’ll have to go somewhere else to be underemployed.”

The university plans to redirect funding toward a new program in “Applied Optimism,” which will teach students to remain positive despite having neither the language to articulate their despair nor the mathematical framework to calculate how much debt they’re in.

Faculty in both departments have been offered positions teaching a new required course called “Introduction to Not Thinking About It Too Hard.”

The cuts are expected to save $1.2 million annually, which the university will spend on a new electronic sign that displays the word “EXCELLENCE.”