I have driven down Main Street every morning since 2003. It is a simple, rhythmic experience that defines the character of a person’s day. You go straight, you observe the speed limit, and you arrive. Lately, however, I have noticed a disturbing trend that threatens the very structural integrity of our morning routine.

People are attempting to turn left into coffee shops.

When you decide to turn left across two lanes of oncoming traffic, you are essentially asking the entire valley to stop and accommodate your personal need for an oat milk latte. It creates a gridlock that ripples all the way back to the interstate. A single stationary vehicle, waiting for a gap in the stream, effectively turns a functional thoroughfare into a parking lot.

I spoke with Gary Henderson, a local who has lived in the valley since the late nineties. “I saw a guy in a truck wait four cycles of the light just to get into a parking spot,” Gary told me while adjusting his hat. “He didn’t even look stressed. He looked like he was settling in for a long winter.”

If we continue to allow left turns, we are inviting chaos into our civic life. We are essentially saying that individual caffeine consumption is more important than the collective forward momentum of the morning commute. I suggest we implement a policy of “Right Turns Only” from 7:00 AM to 9:00 AM.

If you want a pastry, simply drive around the block until you are approaching from the correct direction. It is only three extra minutes, and it preserves the sanctity of the road for the rest of us who know where we are going.

Dale Crankshaft has been driving the same route to work since 2003 and considers any alteration a personal attack. He is retired but still drives the route.