The North 19th Trailhead parking lot reached capacity by 7:15 AM Sunday. Most vehicles displayed Bozeman address stickers. Several displayed bike racks holding bikes that cost more than the cars.

Ranger Melissa Corwin counted thirty-eight Subarus and twelve Tacomas. “Fourteen of those Subarus live within a half-mile radius,” she said. “I know because I see them at the Co-op. One guy drives his kayak to the put-in on the Gallatin. It is two blocks from his garage.”

Local resident Derek Henning, 34, defended his morning routine. “The elevation gain from my house to the trailhead is forty-two feet. My Forester gets nervous on inclines. Plus the parking lot has that good coffee truck now. The one with the oat milk steam wand.”

The coffee truck, Bean There Done That, opens at 6 AM. Owner Sarah Milkovich estimates sixty percent of sales go to hikers who drove less than a mile. “Had a guy yesterday, lives on Durston. Drove his e-bike to the trailhead on a hitch rack. Unloaded it. Rode it up the trail. Loaded it back up. Drove home. Said he was training for Big Sky.”

City Commissioner Janet Vosper called the pattern “active transportation adjacency” during Monday’s work session. She proposed a shuttle from the Co-op parking lot. The shuttle would run every twenty minutes. The drive is four minutes.

Trailhead regular Gail Tinsley, 67, walks from her house on Peach Street. She carries a daypack with water, layers, and a rock she found in 1994. “Used to know everyone up there,” she said. “Now I mostly see roof boxes. People ask me where the trail starts. I point at the sign. They ask if there’s an app.”

The lot emptied by 11 AM. The coffee truck packed up. Derek Henning drove his Forester home. He parked in his driveway. The trailhead is visible from his upstairs window.

This article is satire. The Bozeman Daily Bee is a satirical publication. None of this is real.