Fall camp opened Monday at Bobcat Stadium. The air smelled like cut grass and the particular anxiety of August two-a-days. Head coach Brent Vigen watched from the sideline in a visor that has seen three presidential administrations.

The big story this year is the offensive line. Coach Mike Schmidt, who has been coaching the line since 1998, held his position group meeting in the shade of the scoreboard. He told the freshmen that when he started, a two-bedroom near campus went for $400 a month and the locker room had a working sauna. Neither fact checked out but nobody corrected him.

“The line holds or the season folds,” Schmidt said, tapping a play sheet against his thigh. “Same as it ever was. Only difference now is the left tackle has three roommates and a shift at the Co-op on Tuesday nights. We block for him anyway.”

Quarterback competition remains open between junior transfer Casey Myles and redshirt freshman Ty Hauer. Myles threw for 2,100 yards at a Division II program in Kansas last fall. Hauer grew up in Belgrade and still drives the same Silverado he learned to shift in. Both looked sharp in seven-on-seven. Both looked tired by the third period.

Vigen declined to name a starter. “We’ll know when the pads come on Saturday,” he said. “Until then it’s just catch in helmets. Catch doesn’t win the Big Sky. Blocking wins the Big Sky. Ask Schmidt.”

The equipment staff handed out 112 helmets. Each one got a fresh decal. The decal budget came in $3,000 over projection because the vinyl supplier in Billings raised prices again. Athletic director Leon Costello signed the purchase order without looking up from his crossword.

A handful of boosters watched from the east stands. They wore polo shirts with the old script logo. One of them, Dale Hargrove, class of ‘82, shook his head at the indoor practice facility. “We used to tape ankles in a hallway,” he said. “Now there’s a hydrotherapy pool. Kids don’t know how good they got it. My mortgage was $600.”

Practice ended with gassers. The offensive line finished together, helmets off, chests heaving. Schmidt clapped each man on the shoulder pad. The mountain sat behind the end zone, same as always. The rent checks clear either way.

This article is satire. The Bozeman Daily Bee is a satirical publication. None of this is real.