The elk have been coming to the practice field for three weeks now. A cow and two calves, sometimes a spike bull, grazing the north end zone between the uprights like they own the place. Which, technically, they were here first.

Kicker Marcus “Mac” Whitaker, a redshirt junior from Livingston, lines up for his forty-yard attempts while the cow lifts her head, chews, watches the ball sail over her back. She doesn’t flinch. Neither does Mac.

“Wind comes off the Bridgers different every day,” Mac said, wiping sweat from his forearm. “Elk don’t care. They just eat. Makes you focus on what you can control.”

Special teams coordinator Dale Hargrove leans against the sled, coffee in hand, watching the herd. He grew up on a place near Wilsall. Measures distance in fence posts, not yards. “Kid’s got a leg,” Dale said. “But more important, he’s got the line. If the protection holds, he’ll put it through from fifty-five. If it don’t, the elk are the least of our problems.”

The offensive line — five starters averaging three hundred pounds — takes their reps twenty yards away. Left tackle JT Mendoza, a senior from Belgrade who drives a diesel with a cracked windshield, pulls his helmet off. “We held Saturday. Mostly. Coach says mostly gets you beat. He’s right.”

A maintenance cart putters past. The driver, a guy named Ernie who’s worked MSU grounds since 1989, shakes his head. “Used to be we’d run ’em off with the truck. Now the athletic department says they’re ‘brand ambassadors.’ Last week the cow licked the holder’s helmet. Holder didn’t even move. Just said ‘good girl’ and snapped the ball.”

Mac hits four of five from forty-seven. The miss hooks left, hits the upright, bounces back onto the turf. The spike bull snorts. Mac jogs over, picks up the ball, jogs back. No celebration. No frustration. Just the next snap.

“Line held on all five,” Dale said, checking his watch. “That’s the stat that matters. Rest is noise.”

The cow lies down in the end zone. The calves curl beside her. Practice ends. The elk stay.

This article is satire. The Bozeman Daily Bee is a satirical publication. None of this is real.